Practice Safe, Consensual and Liberating Sex Work -Advice From an Escort
Sex work is on a long and tabooed journey to becoming normalized and respected as a profession. However, even using this more neutralized term is small yet significant progress. American sex worker and activist Carol Leigh coined the term “Sex work” in the ‘70s. Prior to this, people who did sex work were only referred to as the more negatively connotated “prostitutes.”
Sex workers have historically preferred not to use this term because of its relation to human trafficking, nonconsensual sexual acts and street prostitution. Prostitution, as defined by the exchange of sexual services for anything of value, is still illegal in the U.S. However, escorting—someone being paid to accompany you—is completely legal.
They are many ways, both virtually and in person, to practice safe and consensual sex work. You can go on dates as an escort, create explicit erotica with sites like Only Fans, Sky Private and Freyja, do professional dominatrix work and more. We support whatever one may choose to explore and seek out with their time and bodies if they feel empowered, safe and confident with their choices. For those who are interested in escorting, here is some safety and wellness from a former escort to help you make safe choices.
“My first escort date was at 19 years old during my sophomore year of college. I heard of the website Seeking Arrangement from a friend and decided to make a profile with an open mind. Although the site remains adamant about being a nontraditional dating site and not an escort service, that’s most of the time how things play out. I have been on and off the site for 6 years now and have gone on 15+ dates in multiple countries. Here is some big sister advice I wish I had known:
Mindset Preparation
Some people might fall into this work out of financial distress. You might just be curious and want something new or nontraditional in your life. Whatever the reason, know that you don’t need to justify it to anyone. However, I would advise you to take some time to reflect and consider what you are getting yourself into. I recommend making sure you are mentally and emotionally prepared for what people might ask of you. Check in with yourself about your ability to voice your feelings and needs.
You should openly and honestly state your agreement beforehand. I always lead with the understanding that they are paying to meet and spend time with me, and anything else that comes from that is based on mutual attraction. Again, it’s illegal to pay for sex but if you’re genuinely attacted to your date, then you’re obviously free to do whatever you’d like. With that premise, I’m comfortable knowing that sex is not expected or guaranteed on these dates—although I’ve been attracted to people I’ve met on them and have enjoyed the sexual play that follows.
As someone who’s experienced sexual traumas, this work has helped me to reclaim my ability to voice my feelings and keep the experiences 100% consensual. Regardless of whether this person is paying you or not, they have no right to make you do anything that you’re not comfortable with.
If you’ve experienced previous sexual trauma where you were forced into sexual acts and unable to stand up for yourself, you might find it harder to speak up if and when the time comes that you need to. I’d recommend practicing voicing your needs and feelings out loud.
Ask yourself:
What is my relationship to my sexual body?
What do I find sexually attractive?
Are there any sexual acts that I know I would not be comfortable with?
Practice Saying:
No, I don’t want to do that.
Stop, I don’t want you to do that.
No, that makes me uncomfortable.
It’s time for me to leave.
Lead with words like “No” and “Stop” to make it 100% clear what you are trying to communicate. You don’t need to include “sorry” or justify yourself in any way. If they respond with hostility, that’s a red flag and you need to get out of there!
Be a Good Listener
Most of the time, the people who seek out these services have pure intentions and just want something new and exciting in their lives. That’s not to say I haven’t encountered complete weirdos on these sites (be prepared!), but I’ve mostly gone on dates with men who are workaholics and don’t have the time to meet people or try traditional dating, married men who are exploring open relationships for the first time, men who are twice my age, etc.
They will be thrilled to have your attention, so ask questions and talk about things you’re genuinely interested in. Don’t try to be something you’re not - people can sense fakeness. They want it to feel natural and like they are truly deserving of your time and attention - whether or not you feel that way or are just looking to secure your bag (which is fine too!) Just be honest with yourself and transparent with what you’re looking for when creating any online profiles.
Again, most people are just searching for an enjoyable distraction, so keep things light, sexy and fun. When I was going on my first dates, to help calm my nerves, I would sometimes act as a persona. I never shared my real name for safety reasons, and with whatever new name I chose, I also created a character for them. You can make it as intricate as you want—sometimes I would just exaggerate real experiences or create stories based around lives that I wanted to live. As long as you’re having fun and enjoying yourself, they will too.
Protect Your Privacy
Like I said, I never use my real name or number when speaking with dates for the first time. Once I had someone look up my full name and address using my phone number! I recommend getting a Google Voice number and sharing that or using apps like Signal and Snapchat. Along with that, never EVER share your address or let them pick you up. You don’t want to put yourself in the position of being stuck in a car with a complete stranger. If they offer to call you an Uber for the date, either do it yourself and have them reimburse you OR give them a landmark location (restaurant, gas station) somewhere near your house that you can walk to.
Tell a Friend Where You Are
Always let someone know where you are going and the name of the person who you’ll be with. The best way is to share your location with someone in case you and your date decide to go somewhere else after. If you don’t want to tell your friend the whole situation, just say it’s a dating app date and you want to be safe regardless.
Be Confident
Sexual attraction is derived from way more than just what you’re wearing, how you smell or what your body looks like (though that all majorly contributes, obviously). Although I’ve always been in good physical shape when going on these dates, because I enjoy feeling healthy, my body has seen many forms and decorations—sagging,scarring,cellulite,etc. People will worship your body when they finally do get to see it because they are already attracted to YOU. Most of the time, I find that people prefer realistic and natural. People love confidence and are attracted to energy the most. This is what will please your dates and make them want to see you again.
Stay in Shape with your Sexual Wellness
Like with all sexual encounters—be responsible! Use a condom and make sure to take proper aftercare measures. Get tested regularly; in most states, you can find free testing centers. There has only been one time that I had sex with someone for the first time without a condom, but only because they had shown me clean results from a recent test, and I also knew that I would be seeing them again. We had an incredible connection, and they made me feel completely safe. Lead with your intuition, but it’s best practice to stick to the ‘condom always’ rule.
Green Flags:
They ask to have a phone call or Facetime beforehand or are open when you ask
Offering to send you a ride for the date
Sending photos right away
Red Flags:
Asking to meet at their home
Profiles with zero photos. (I won’t even respond to these messages) Even if they want to be discreet, they should still post something
Directly asking you to do sexual acts in exchange for money
DURING THE DATE (If an intimate connection is there)
Green Flags:
Asking about your sexual wellness (i.e., if you’ve been tested). It shows that it’s something they find important, and they will most likely have been tested as well.
Asking verbally for consent, even if it’s just a kiss
Red Flags:
Pressuring you to drink. Even if you are attracted to them, you should be able to make decisions about sex coherently. If they are obviously trying to get you drunk, ask for water and then get out!
We are grateful for this big sister guidance and hope you remain safe and empowered if this is something you're considering. Proceed with caution, trust your gut and enjoy yourself!
