How Mirror Work Can Improve Your Relationship With Your Body and Upgrade Your Sex Life
You look at your body in the mirror all the time, but how often do you look at your genitals in the mirror?
And how often do you look at your body in the mirror with gentle thoughts and words in your mind?
This blog is your friendly reminder to make time in your routine to look at yourself in the mirror, extending grace to your body, and take a look down there. Part of understanding your body is knowing what your penis or vulva and surroundings look like on a regular healthy day.
“In our culture, looking at yourself in the mirror with praise and appreciation is considered conceited. There’s almost a connotation of its being vile or shameful.”
— Intimacy Coach Amina Peterson
A mirror can prove to be your best friend when spotting abnormalities or trying new things, but beyond that, getting in the habit of looking at yourself in the mirror more often can be a transformaive ritual of self-acceptance.
“When I talk to people about struggles that they have in intimacy, a lot of it is about being seen. Intimacy is so much about being witnessed. And a lot of us struggle with being witnessed by others because we don’t even allow ourselves to witness ourselves. If I am unable to look at myself, how am I going to allow my partner to look at me? How am I going to get to a space where I experience true intimacy with a partner if I’m terrified of self-intimacy? If I’m scared that somebody else will see something that I don’t allow myself to see?”
— Intimacy Coach Amina Peterson
Everyone can benefit from mirror work.
If you are a vulva owner, this practice can be more revealing given the anatomy of the female body, where the genitals are mostly hidden. When contemplating yourself in front of a mirror, you might want to use your hands to explore your body. Maybe you need to move your labia to discover what your vaginal opening looks like. If this sounds intimidating, mirror work is meant to help change that, and we’ll give you more guidance in the last section.
A couple of reminders for vulva owners:
The vulvas you see in porn might have been edited to look more “normal”
Vulvas can have different sizes and colors, and that is actually NORMAL. Sometimes they are darker or pinkier than the rest of the skin in the body.
Not a lot of women can orgasm from vaginal intercourse only. Your clit holds endless potential for pleasure: find yours.
Your vulva enlarges when you’re aroused (much like a penis does)
Sex isn’t supposed to hurt; if it does, talk to your physician.
Studying your body is important. We suggest this reading before you dive in to make sure you know what you’re looking at once you grab your hand mirror, or use the following image for quick reference:
Images taken from Planned Parenthood.
If you are a penis owner, this practice might not be as revealing given that your anatomy is more external, and you are more likely to have interacted with your pleasure parts more thoroughly. However, this doesn’t mean that mirror work isn’t helpful for you. You, too, can benefit from developing a closer relationship with your body and exploring all the details that make you YOU. If you identify as a man, more likely than not, you’ve been taught to ‘man up,’ or you might feel reluctant to talk about concerns regarding your pleasure parts—you might have even received the messaging that a ‘real man’s’ sexual organs look and feel a certain way. Try to let all this go as you do mirror work.
A couple of reminders for penis owners:
Curved penises are NORMAL and COMMON (unless it causes pain or makes sex extremely difficult, in which case, talk to your physician).
Your penis can be “paler and sometimes even appear pink, blue or purple”
The average penis size is 6 inches
Random erections are NORMAL and HEALTHY
The amount of precum produced varies from person to person
Sex isn’t supposed to hurt; if it does, talk to your physician
Images taken from Planned Parenthood.
Mirrors can be helpful for masturbating, but also for using condoms, tampons or menstrual cups. You can always grab one and play with these things as an exploration of your body! Here’s a quick guide on how to get started on mirror work:
How to do mirror work
The essential tools:
A safe, private space
A mirror in which you can see your whole self
A hand mirror to stare down there
A sex toy if you own one
Water-based lube
Any objects that can help you feel comfortable
1. Set the space
Make sure the space you will be doing this mirror work in is set up in a way that feels comfortable to you.
Bring some scented candles in, or rub your body with an essential oil you like, and then place yourself in front of the mirror.
Ideally, this becomes a practice. It might take several tries before you can start to ease into the experience and enjoy yourself more. In the meantime, do what you feel okay with, but try to challenge yourself. If being fully naked feels challenging to you, then try leaving your t-shirt or other clothes on, or start by using the hand mirror to just focus on your face to start, explore the rest of your body as you start to feel ready.
2. Set the mood
The fact that you know at some point during this practice you will give your full attention to your genitals doesn’t mean you need to go straight to “business.” Try taking things slow and giving yourself time to feel different sensations. You can do mirror work by standing in front of the mirror or even laying down in a bed in front of the mirror, whatever you feel more comfortable with.
3. Hold your gaze
Take your time to stare at yourself and appreciate your body or face; be aware of you. Do this for about 5 minutes to start with. Let go of judgment and let yourself be;, address thoughts and feelings as they arise but focus on just being an observer. Give the emotions space, but do not let any of them take control of your mind. This being a mindfulness practice, the idea is to stay in the present moment.
4. Choose your affirmations
Choose personal affirmations you believe and practice speaking them to the mirror. You can pick positive aspects of your personality, your mind or your body. It’s important that you say these out loud.
5. When you are ready, give attention to your genitals
You might want to practice starting by focusing on your body or your face only for the first week, 5 minutes every time. Then work your way up to 10 minutes, staring at your full body, naked. Then, when you feel comfortable enough, grab the hand mirror and stare at your genitals. As you did in step 3, let emotions and thoughts arise, observe them, and let them go. Keep the list of reminders from the previous section in mind.
And if you’re feeling like it, get some lube and start exploring yourself. Maybe find all the parts your genitals are made up of—find your clit, or play with different types of touch while you stare. Try to thank your body for the sensations it allows you to experience. Do it out loud.
6. Let this become a routine.
Make time on purpose for this practice once in a while, daily if you can. With time, you’ll be able to notice if there’s anything different in your body or in the way you feel about it. And even if you don’t think you need to “explore” anymore, feeling or seeing yourself with the clear mindful intention of just witnessing without judging and staying curious can help you get comfortable with your body.
There’s a lot to gain from this practice. As you master the skill of being with your naked body and exploring your genitals, you will gain deeper knowledge about you, about what you like and dislike. Becoming more aware of you, your body and your feelings towards it can help you grow as a person and in partnership(s).
When you know what you feel, and you’ve explored the types of touch you like and dislike, connecting with others might become easier as you’ll be able to better guide them and help them understand why you feel the way you feel about your body.
