Sexual Communication During Sex: All Expert Advice in One Place
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
Words to Say During Sex: Improving Your Sexual Communication
How do I guide my partner during sex?, say:
How do I tell my partner I want to change sex positions?, say:
How do I make sure my sexual partner is enjoying what I do?
Go with some dirty talk if you feel more comfortable.
How and When to Talk About Your Sex Life OUTSIDE the Bedroom
Building Trust in Sexual Communication.
Suggested Readings.
How do I tell my partner what I want in bed? Communicating during sex is no easy task; being in such a vulnerable situation, finding the right words to say something’s not right—or to make sure it isn’t–might feel challenging.
If you struggle with this and want to find ways to talk to your sexual partners during the sexual encounter—or you want tips to make sure your partner’s enjoying sex with you—this blog is for you.
Because so many of the challenges come from our own minds, we’ll start by addressing those concerns. However, if you want to jump straight to the templates or specific words you can use to communicate in bed, scroll down a bit more.
Friendly Reminders
Everyone’s experience of pleasure is different. Sex is a mind and body experience, and research has shown that “orgasm is a brain-mediated event;” this means that there is no one universal way, trick or practice you could use to please all partners in your life.
Whenever you enter a sexual interaction, walk into the room with this thought on your mind. No matter how many sexual partners you’ve had in the past, each person will require you to pay attention to their unique turn-ons and -offs.
Believe your partner, not society. Sometimes, partners tell us what they like or dislike, and we doubt their words; we start a conversation in our minds about how maybe they’re saying what they’re saying to make us feel better, and we interpret what they say as conflicting information. This can result in us not listening to them and never applying the practices they might be suggesting.
Try believing them; they know themselves better, and not all penis or vulva owners will share the same sexual interests. If you have trouble trusting what they say, you probably need to talk it out in a different setting (more on that later).
Let go of assumptions and be aware of your sex scripts. Assumptions in sex can look like thinking your noises aren't sexy and therefore suppressing them, assuming your partner doesn't want to hear them. They can look like you making a lot of noises because you've seen in porn that men like that. They can look like you thinking the best sex is going really fast and hard, or you thinking that if your partner closes their eyes during sex, they are bored. Another common assumption is that all men dream of having a threesome.
During sex, these assumptions can impact your behavior and prompt you to follow an agenda or script you already have in your head about how sex is supposed to go; you might start going fast and hard at it because that's what you think your partner wants—but, have you asked them?
Words to Say During Sex: Improving Your Sexual Communication
Something to keep in mind is what type of conversations you can have during sex, and what type of conversations you should have in a non-sexual setting.
If your partner is doing something during sex that doesn't feel enjoyable to you and you want to help direct them—maybe you want them to go faster, slower; to move their tongue or hands in other ways or directions; or maybe you want to try a different position or type of sex—you can most likely comfortably communicate this during your sexual interaction.
If you feel especially nervous about expressing this, start your sexual interaction by saying these words suggested by
Relationship and Sex Therapist Casey Tanner, LCPC:
“I’m new to sharing what I want during sex, so this is a little anxiety-provoking for me.”
How do I guide my partner during sex?, say:
*All the following templates have been suggested by different experts, including Sex Educator Lola Jean and Sex Educator Taylor Sparks.
“I want you to go down on me like you’re desperately hungry and trying to devour every inch.”
“I want you to tease me until I can no longer find it bearable. Start really, really slow and when I start to squirm—speed up.”
“I want to try something new, are you OK with that?”
“Ask your lover to do two or three different things and have you choose between them. Rinse. Repeat.”
“There’s something I’d love to try with you.”
“You know what I really like? When you do this, this, and this. And you know what I'd like even more?,” and then add the specific practice you want them to do.
Would you be on top instead? I’d enjoy it so much more.
Would you do me in [insert the preferred position]? *Add sexy look for a bonus*
Can we go slower? I feel like exploding with pleasure every time we play with timing.
How do I tell my partner I want to change sex positions?, say:
Hey, can we switch up? I’m not enjoying this too much.
Hey, can we pause for a moment?
Something doesn’t feel right. Let’s take a break.
Hey, I think I’m feeling a bit distracted, can we pause for a moment and cuddle?
How do I make sure my sexual partner is enjoying what I do?
All parties involved in the sexual interaction share equal responsibility when it comes to communication. Because communicating you're not enjoying sex or you'd like to do something different can feel intimidating, we cannot place all responsibility on the person who's feeling this way.
“Folks often will come in with apprehension and anxiety around asking their partner for something. This is especially true for people who were socialized as women, taught that we can’t take up space in that way.”
As a thoughtful sexual partner, you want to make sure you're also creating spaces to encourage the other person to share. Remaining curious and using a calm tone of voice, you could say:
How does this feel?
Do you want to do something else?
Does it hurt?
Would you prefer me to go slower or faster?
Are you okay with this? You can share if not, it’s okay.
Do you feel good on top/in this position/doing this?
Can you show me how you would want me to touch you?
Do you want to be in control o do you want me to be in control?
Even if they’ve consented to having sex with you, try asking for permission before you change positions or do anything specific.
May I…? (May I use my mouth on you? May I touch you down there?)
Or go with some dirty talk if you feel more comfortable:
*Some phrases have been taken from Bustle and MindBodyGreen.
You can use dirty talk to build anticipation even before you actually have sex. You might say:
“Just thinking of the way your skin reacts to my touch is enough to send shivers down my own spine.”
I love it when you touch me like that, when you go slowly and take your time, my body can’t resist it.
“Think of the place you like most where I touch you. Now let your mind wander and show me the way.”
“I’m thinking about the next time I’ll see you and have an urge to…” (explore your entire body with my tongue, hear you moaning like you always do, grab you by the neck).
“I want you to give me so much pleasure I lose the concept of language, we have to use our bodies to communicate.”
“That thing you do with your [insert body part] really makes me hot.”
“It makes me horny when you [fill in the blank].”
“You make me so wet/hard when you moan.”
“I want you to fuck me from behind.”
“I want to see you play with yourself.”
“I want you between my thighs.”
“Look at me. Talk to me. Whisper in my ear. Say my name. Play with my clit. Stoke my c*ck.”
How and When to Talk About Your Sex Life OUTSIDE the Bedroom:
Not everything you want for your sex life can be discussed in the moment. Some practices will require long vunerable conversations that if you attempt to have during sex; it might not only feel like you’re being rushed to give an answer, but it might kill the mood entirely.
Threesomes, BDSM, non-monogamy, fantasies, anal sex and incorporating sex toys during sex are some of the practices that might require more careful sexual communication. If you’re wanting to try any of these, instead of asking for it during sex, set aside a moment with your partner to discuss this.
Let them know you’d like to touch on an important topic, choose a moment of the day when everyone is relaxed and in a good mood, and be very respectful. We also recommend you to get very clear on what exactly do you want, and if applicable, why you want it. (If you want to propose an open relationship, your partner might most likely want to know why). A helpful idea might be using movies.
“Discussing films and books can be a less intimidating way to communicate what you are into. That scene in Fifty Shades? The Notebook? Commenting on a favorite scene can be less
intimidating to those who are shy in expressing their pleasures.”
— Dr. Stefani Threadgill Briggs, sex therapist and sexologist as quoted on Bustle.
Other Helpful Resources in Having Serious Conversations:
Tips to Explore the Unknown in Bed: How to Talk About Trying Something New
“I Have No Sex Drive and My Husband is Mad”: Advice with an Erotic Blueprint Coach™
How Do I Figure Out What I Want in Bed?
Building Trust in Sexual Communication
In the first section Friendly Reminders, we mentioned something that can happen when trying to communicate our sexual needs is that we don’t feel entirely sure that what our partner is saying they want is in fact what they want. This has to do with trust and is important to address outside of the bedroom.
“Trust, respect, and openness should be at the foundation of your relationship, so telling your partner what you want sexually can be an honest process without fear of judgment.”
You might want to ask yourself why you feel this way and spend some time reflecting about it.
Are you finding contradictions between what they say and what they do?
Do your doubts come from what you assume about them?
Are you comparing them to previous sexual partners?
Are you interpreting their body language correctly? Have you ever checked in with them about what certain behaviors mean?
With these answers in your mind, have an open and honest conversation with them, and listen. Let them know you are having doubts and that you’d like to explore them with them so that next time you set out to have fun in bed, communication can go smoothly.
Keep in mind that not everyone knows exactly what they like or want in bed. Whether you are addressing your concerns during sex or you decide to do so in a non-sexual setting, always be empathetic and respectful.
